


What a dumbass

by LaughterWrites



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: M/M, i found this AU on Voltron Amino, i have 0 info on it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-12
Updated: 2017-05-16
Packaged: 2018-10-30 22:50:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10886556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaughterWrites/pseuds/LaughterWrites
Summary: Keith is a guardian angel assigned to Lance.Keith is gay.Keith fucked up.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> today on "Madeleine can't write to save her life"
> 
> written in less than an hour 
> 
> unbeta'd 
> 
> loosely based on Guardian Angel Keith AU by I <3 Rin on Voltron Amino

It is painfully hard to be the guardian angel of someone as dumb as Lance. 

Keith should know. 

Of everyone he could've been assigned to. 

Of all the pure-hearted, intelligent people. 

Of all the people with basic common sense.

Of all the normal people on earth.

Keith got Lance. 

And it's been nonstop work ever since.

Who made sure Lance was picked to be in the fighter pilot training class?

Keith.  

Who got him grouped with the people least likely to want to punch him?

Keith. 

Who made sure he didn't get caught when he snuck out? 

Keith.

Who has saved that idiot from numerous rejections? 

Nobody. There is no stopping him from that. Even by the great powers of Heaven. 

The first time it happened, Keith tried to submit a Sin report on the grounds that Lance was too lusty and shouldn't have a guardian angel. 

Instead it was decided that Lance was even more in need of the guidance of the heavens. 

Keith stopped submitting reports. 

Lance didn't stop sinning. 

Sometimes Keith wanted to slap him. Yell at him for being an idiot. Telling him he had no chance. But he couldn't. Keith could only sit and watch. 

The other guardians would chitter about how their human was succeeding in life and being amazing and perfect thanks to them. Keith dreaded these chats. He dreaded the one question they always asked. 

"How's yours, Keith?" 

Usually a successful day was Lance not walking off a cliff or getting slapped. 

Brenda's assignment published another book. 

Keith's assignment has food poisoning for the fifth time this month. 

Lance is the worst. 

••••••••

Lance got his first kiss. 

It took more work on Keith's part then he'd like to admit but he was rather proud. A nice enough girl, pretty face, good personality, smart. Kind of a conspiracy nut but otherwise okay. 6/10 kisser too. Keith deserved a pat on the back. Or at least a coffee. She kissed him in a park, third date, away from the public. Overall a movie-perfect kiss. 

When she pulled away, she was smiling. 

Lance's face was hard to read, it was flickering from surprise to embarrassment. 

And, for just a moment, a look flashed across Lance's face that Keith didn't expect. 

Disgust. 

••••••••

Despite all of Keith's orchestrating, Lance broke up with the girl a few days after the kiss. 

He told her that he might be gay. 

Keith assumes this is the breakup talking. 

 ••••••••


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK BUT WHY IS THIS SUDDENLY GETTING ATTENTION??? WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!

•••••••••

He's kinda cute when he's asleep. 

Hes horrible and reckless and annoying when hes awake. 

Overall, a sleeping Lance is a good Lance. 

Also because Keith can talk to him when he's asleep. 

Not in a creepy, standing-by-the-edge-of-the-bed-whispering kind of way. 

On a good night, Keith can sneak into Lance's dreams. 

Lance isn't all there most of the time. He's more woozy, even more likely to walk off a cliff. Keith still talks to him, calling him an asshole and berating him for his stupid mistakes. Lance always just shrugs and laughs it off. 

But today is different. 

He seems more alert, more awake. Keith moves himself to Lance in the way only dreams allow. Not quite appearing, just phasing out somewhere and ending up somewhere else. 

Lance looks at him, confused. 

"Who... are you?" he asks, moving a hand to touch Keith's wing. 

Keith shudders when his fingers make contact with the feathers. 

His hand shoots out and grabs Keith by the wrist, wrenching him away from the wing. 

"For starters, no touchy feely time, Lance. Hands off the wing." Keith scowls, releasing Lance's hand and smoothing down the ruffled feathers. 

Lance looks Keith up and down. 

"I'm not too worried that you know my name. Are you fake? You seem like an apparition." 

Keith rolls his eyes. 

"Apparition? Where'd you learn such big words, Lance?" 

Lance glares at him. 

"How do you know i'm not actually a writing prodigy, bird kid?" 

"You're a fighter pilot trainee." 

Lance smirks and pretends to pop his collar. 

"Yep. Best in class." 

Keith rolls his eyes again. 

"You've crashed more simulations than any other student. You set a record. You have any idea how hard it is to keep you in that class, Lance? It's pretty fucking hard." 

Lance looks at Keith for a second. "You've avoided my question. Several times. Who are you?" 

Keith shrugs. 

"My name is Keith. I'm your Guardian Angel." 

Lance looks down. 

"Well I hope they teach CPR in heaven." 

"What?" Keith takes a step towards Lance. 

Lance cracks a smile. 

"Because you take my breath away!" 

Lance winks as Keith phases out, flying back to his cloud as fast as his wings can take him. 

Apparently, Angels can blush. 

••••••••

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'd like to do daily mini-chapters   
> if i forget you can yell at me @suckmydirkuu on IG


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i lost this chapter 4 times hNnnnngh 
> 
> this chapter mentions inappropriate stuff briefly. 
> 
> not too much tho its Little Bit O' Sin

••••••••

Its difficult, but possible, for a Guardian to talk to their Assignment through their mind, acting as a conscience of sorts. It's pretty hard to do and utterly draining. Usually the Angel is barely whispering. 

Usually the Assignment isn't a difficult piece of shit. 

_Lance_

_Lance you complete and utter idiot do not do this_

_You have five seconds to turn off the computer._

_Five!_

_Four!_

_Three!_

_..._

_Two!_

_...._

_Two point one!_

_..._

_Lance!_

Lance chuckles aloud and looks up from his computer. 

"Is that you, Angelface?" he says, smiling up. 

_Fine. be a sinner. I can't stop you._

"Oh, you watching me babe? It's just some porn."

_You're going to hell._

"Awww that sucks, Ill miss out on seeing your pretty face. The mullet is a daring choice though."

_Turn off the computer._

"Only if you'll visit me tonight." 

_Deal_.

Keith withdraws from Lance's brain, completely tired out. He watches Lance for a few minutes. He is turning off the computer as he promised. After it's off he glances up, noticing Hunk for the first time. He starts trying, and failing, to explain to his roommate why he was talking to himself. 

Lance is getting red-faced and flustered. He starts to ramble and make large hand guestures. Hunk eventually just rolls his eyes and goes back to his work for a class. Lance sits down, his face still flushed a cute pink. 

Cute? 

Wrong word. 

completely wrong. 

Lance isn't cute, he's annoying. 

••••••••

Keith realizes that Lance didn't mean to watch anything anyway. 

His roommate was in the room. 

He just wanted heavenly guidance. 

••••••••

"I just don't get it, Shiro." 

Shiro sips his coffee out of his chipped Angel Daddy mug. 

"Listen, Keith," he says, setting the coffee down, "Everyone gets a sinful assignment from time to time." 

Keith sighs, putting his head in his hands. "It's not just that though. He's..." 

Shiro grabs a sugar cube from the middle off the table and starts stirring it into his coffee. "He's what? Annoying? Idiotic? Ive heard it all, Keith. You just got stuck with a bad one." 

"No..." Keith pauses, groaning. "He's actually _adorable,_ Shiro." 

Shiro stops stirring the coffee, staring at Keith. "You mean like... a puppy? Like 'aww look at it being dumb and mortal and small'?" 

"No! No like 'oh my look at his adorable face and butt and personality I want to kiss his stupid dumb cute asshole face'," Keith groans, throwing his hands in the air, "And he calls me shit like 'Angelface' and I get all..." 

"All what?" 

"All..." Keith flops in the chair. "Aaaaurghh I don't know." 

Shiro frowns at Keith for a moment before going back to stirring his coffee. "You know I support you, Keith, but maybe you should trade assignments with someone. I hear Brenda is looking to trade." 

"Brenda sucks." 

••••••••

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Every time you comment Keith gets gayer


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sORRY IM LATE

••••••••

"Angel! Bird kid! Heavenly Spectre! Mullet! Dude! Thing!" 

Keith rolls his eyes, floating down in front of Lance. 

He glares at his obnoxious assignment. "I already told you my name." 

Lance shrugs, smiling. "And I already forgot. Sorry, Keith." 

The angel glares at him. "You're the worst. I could've gotten a nice nun or a saint. I could've been the famous angel that influenced a fucking _saint,_ Lance." 

Lance wiggles his eyebrows. "Ooooo is that a profanity I hear? Not very Angelic of you, Babe." 

Keith grimaces, clenching and unclenching his fists. "Your pathetic human language knows no true swears. I can say what I want." 

Much to Keith's annoyance, Lance laughs in response. "Ooh look at me, I'm Keith, Im a bird kid who thinks he's sooooooo much better than Lance. With my immortality. And my... swears." 

"That's because I am better than you, you absolutely worthless human being!" Keith seethes, glaring at the amused human. 

"Uh oh. Someone's gonna have a hissy fit. Listen cutie I didn't just ask to see you to tick you off. Although that red blush is _definitely_ your color." 

Keith rubs his temples like he has a headache. Angels don't really get those little human annoyances but Keith can almost feel his head throbbing as he gets increasingly exasperated. "What did you want to talk about? If it's stupid I'm checking the fuck out." 

Lance bites the inside of his cheek and glances to the side. "It's... a little stupid." 

"Oh. Okay. Bye." Keith prepares to take off, extending his wings. 

"Wait!" Lance yells, grabbing a wing, "please just hear me out." 

Keith's face flushes a bright red. He whips around and smacks Lance's hand. "We do not. touch. the wing. Kapiche?" 

"Let me just... poke the wing." 

"no." 

"Just a little feather tap." 

"Not happening." 

"Come on Keith, aren't you supposed to help me reach happiness?" 

"Will violating my personal space actually bring you happiness?" 

Lance seems to consider the question. He dramatically mocks deep thought. "If I say yes will you let me touch your wing?" 

"No." 

"Well the answer is still yes." 

Keith gives Lance an exasperated look. "I'm leaving." 

The human falls forward, kneeling at Keith's feet. 

Keith, confused, takes a step towards him rather than taking off. 

Lance grabs onto Keith's leg. 

Keith screeches and falls over, shaking his leg to get Lance off. 

Lance holds on with the grip of a small child who finally got candy only to have it torn away. 

"Hear! Me! Out!" Lance screeches, clinging as best he can. 

Keith stops frantically shaking his leg. "Fine. What do you want." 

Lance releases Keith's leg. "I was... talking to a friend today."

"You we're talking to Pidge." 

"How do you know which conversation I'm talking about?" He asks, standing up.

"The only other discussions you had were concerning food and/or your possible psychopathy. Not to mention I don't think you consider the random church you called your 'friend'." 

"I wanted to know if there were any Keiths in the bible." 

"There aren't." 

"Yeah, I got that." 

"At least the lady was polite." 

"Okay that is _not_ the point." 

Keith smirks. "Okay Okay so you were talking to Pidge about hot angels." 

"Yeah. Does he have a guardian." 

"Does... Pidge have a guardian?" 

Keith shrugs. "Yeah he got this... glint of understanding. For just a second. Not when I mentioned how hot you are, pretty sure he's straight I found a pic of his girlfriend, but when I mentioned having someone look out for me." 

"Well I mean plenty of people feel that way," Keith folds and unfolds his wing. "Maybe... he's just a nutcase." 

"Is that your way of saying you don't know?" Lance crosses his arms. 

"It's my way of saying I don't think I can tell you." 

"Does... Hunk have a guardian?" 

"No he doesn't." 

"So Pidge does." 

"What makes you conclude that?" 

"Oooh 'Conclude' you make me sound like Sherlock. If you can't tell me if he _does_  but you can tell me Hunk _doesn't_  that means Pidge has a Guardian." 

Keith shrugs. "Ah, yes, Lance the Master Sleuth." 

"Youre not denying it." 

"Im also not verifying it." 

"Do you know his Guardian?" 

"Yea, I do." 

Lance purses his lips. "So you can tell me that?" 

Keith looks down and pops his knuckles. "You already know he has one. I haven't been forbidden from providing details." 

"Has he had a guardian his whole life?" 

Keith shakes his head. "No, no. Pidge pretty much got a Hand-me-down Guardian. His brother had a near-death experience and went to heaven for a few minutes, learned he had a guardian, and begged them to protect his sibling instead." 

Lance's face lights up. "Is that allowed?" 

Keith rolls his eyes. "Not for you it's not. The big guy loved Matthew, so did Shiro. And he was almost dead. A deal was arranged. I'm not protecting someone else. You're my Assignment." 

"I have a lot of questions." 

"Fire away." 

"Shiro?" 

"Pidge's Guardian." 

"Matthew?" 

"Pidge's brother." 

"A deal?" 

"I don't know." 

"Assignment?" 

"Your life was going to shit and you were sinning so they pushed me onto you." 

"Sinning? Come on I didn't even think I was gay back then." 

"You tried to seduce anything that moved and had tits." 

"What?" 

"That's lust. Seven deadly sins? Come on man." 

Lance shrugs. "Why do I still have an Angel? Doesn't the homo thing immediately make someone unsaveable? Immediate ticket to hell, one-way?" 

"First off, Im pretty sure nobody in heaven actually gives a shit who you wanna kiss as long as you don't sin. Second, nobody pays attention to my sin reports."

Lance smiles. "One last question."

"Shoot."

"When I finally get you to myself, will God be mad I stole one of his angels?" 

••••••••

Keith bursts into Shiro's room. 

"We have a big issue." 

Shiro immediatly stands up. "What? What did you do?" 

"I don't want to be an Angel." 

Shiro looks flabbergasted. "You can't do that." 

"Lucifer did it." 

Shiro claps a hand over Keith'a mouth. "You can't say that here!" he hisses. 

Keith pulls Shiro's hand off him. "No no ive been thinking about this. Ive guarded thousands of people. Ive protected and watched thousands die, Shiro." 

"We all have. It's part of the job. But we get to see them again, here, in heaven. We watch them down there and let them thrive up here." 

"I can't!" Keith throws his hands up. "I just cant do this anymore!" 

"What do you mean?" 

"I can't stay up here. I want to watch someone grow, and really help them. Not this stupid soulless job. I don't remember half the people I protected. Most didn't know I did anything. Is that really what you want? To give someone everything and remain anonymous?" 

"Keith, calm down. Lance knows you exist. Matt knew I did and Katie knows about me now, even if she thinks i'm an imaginary friend. it's not soulless at all." 

Keith shakes his head. "You can't hold them. There's rules and you can't really love them. Not until they're dead. And what about the ones that don't come here? What about the sinners?" 

"We stop them, Keith. We bring happiness to prevent sin." 

"I will never be able to hold him, Shiro. Hes a stupid, lusty, egotistical piece of shit. He won't get near the gates, much less through them." 

Shiro manages a half-smile. "You managed." 

"I was created behind them, I want to get to the other side. i'm tired of these rendezvous that are basically just us reaching through the bars of a pearly fence. He can't get to this side, Im going over there." 

"Please, Keith, think about this." 

"Do you think God will get mad when Lance takes one of his angels?" 

••••••••

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keith is now gayer.   
> Comments are really appreciated! Nothing makes me happy quite like an inbox notification.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shoutout to the Catholics at my table in English.   
> Sorry I used your wisdom for gay fanfics. 
> 
> im buddhist idk crap about Angels

••••••••

Apparently you can't just waltz out the pearly gates. 

Apparently there's a 'process'.

In other words, Keith can't get out. 

The system wasn't made for people to leave Paradise. 

It seems the only way out is to be forceably removed. 

••••••••

"Allura, you know how to get removed, right?" Keith takes a sip of his tea, trying to seem casual. 

Allura stares, dumbstruck. 

"You want to get... removed? From Heaven?" 

Keith nods slowly. 

"Why would you give this up, Keith?" She stirs her tea, "Ill never understand you Guardians." 

Keith rolls his eyes. 

"You used to work with us Guardians. You've watched us give up people we've protected for years, literally lifetimes!" 

Allura's tea stirring speeds up. "Their lives are puny. It's a quick job." 

"No, it's not! It's years of our lives! No, not even our life, our _eternity._ We'rehere forever. Doing the same thing, never getting attached. I don't want to spend forever doing _this!"_

"What to you want, Keith? A tiny human life? All the pain and suffering?" 

"Sure! Why not?!" he slams his hands on the table, "at least humans get to live! We're stuck!" 

"If they kick you out you go to hell!" 

"Make then take my wings! Force them to make me suffer a human's life!" 

"Why? Why do you _want_ that?"

"Maybe I want to hold onto someone who will stay. Maybe I want to live!" 

Allura sighs, taking a sip of her tea. 

"I get it. I know what you mean, Keith. It's just... people aren't good down there. They lie and cheat and steal. They act like they love you and just leave you behind. And it's terrifying when the ones you love don't go to the same place as you after they die." 

"I know I just... I know humans are flawed. I know all that but I can't live like this anymore. You're the only one I know who dies down there. Me, shiro, Coran, we were all created behind the gates." 

"I don't know what this has to do with getting out." 

"None of us know what happened. With Lucifer, with betrayal against God. We aren't taught that. You were." 

"You mean a lot to me Keith I just don't think that's allowed." Allura swirls the tea in her cup. 

"Please, please you have to help me get out of here." 

"I don't think I can-" 

"What's a sin I can commit?" 

"Keith-" 

"Murder? Do I have to Kill someone?!" 

"What? n-" 

"Do I have to kill a Seraphim?! I will shank the fucking Seraphim!!" 

"Stop plea-" 

Keith knocks over his tea. "I WILL-" 

Allura claps a hand over Keith'a mouth. 

"No" 

Keith lets out a garbled sentence.

"No. no no no. none of that. Please do not try to 'shank' a Seraphim. You will die." 

Keith nods. 

"Please stop yelling about your intended sins. I'm going to remove my hand now." 

Allura let's go of Keith's face. 

Mercifully, he does not yell. 

Allura sighs in relief. 

"So you want to know about Lucifer." 

••••••••

Keith pulls up an image of a park playground in Lance's 'dream area'. Lance is only half asleep, sitting dazedly in the middle of a sandbox. Keith waits for him on the swings, mentally going over everything he plans to say. 

Keith eventually falls all the way asleep. He's slightly less alert than the last two times but still better than all the times before. 

It reminds Keith of a tiny version of Shiro without coffee. 

Lance tries to swagger over to the swingset. He almost trips over a root. The effect is entirely lost. 

He hops up onto the swing beside Keith and starts kicking to make the swing go higher. 

"Hey hot stuff. Thanks for dropping in. To what do I owe this honor?" 

"I'm getting kicked out of heaven." 

Lance stops kicking. He looks at Keith, confused. "Uh... what?" 

"Im not going to be an Angel anymore. Lucifer got out using Pride and Envy. He 'turned to evil' and betrayed God. Now that leaves five sins for me, Wrath, Gluttony, Lust, Sloth and Greed. Gluttony and Greed won't work since Heaven has an unlimited supply of everything. Wrath won't work because I don't want to get sent to Hell, I want to get sent to Earth... Sloth won't work because I actually don't have to do anything. I work out of love for Him and love for those created in His image so you know if I want to stop people will be disappointed but it won't really be a sin plus it's super counterproductive..." 

Lance stares at Keith, who continues rambling. When Keith pauses for breath, Lance pipes up. "Wait, what about Lust? Won't that get you out?" 

"Angels don't really feel sexual attraction. At least... I don't think so?" 

"Well how would you know?" 

"Lance, the closest thing you have to biblical knowledge is the four episodes of Supernatural you watched when you were fifteen. I have spent millions of years as an angel and i've never wanted to fuck anything." 

Lance shrugs and starts swinging again. 

"Isnt worshipping something other than God a pretty big sin?" 

"Yeah it is." 

"Oh. Okay. Worship me." 

"What?" 

"Love me more than you love God. That should work." 

Keith stares at the ground. 

"What if I get send to hell?" 

Lance smiles and slows his swing down. 

"Then I guess I'll have to join you." 

••••••••

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are still literally the best thing   
> my phone is at 1%   
> OK REALLY FAST BEFORE YOU GO   
> i'm looking for a beta, if you'd wanna help and get early access to new chapters, send a message to @SuckMyDirkuu on Instagram or SuckMyDirkuu.Tumblr.com   
> UH I LOVE YOU OKBYE


End file.
